Melissa and I have been together for over 10 years and married for almost nine of them. For some, this is a blink of the eye compared to their many years of marriage. For others, it’s a feat to have made it that long. But more important than the fact that we’ve been married for that long, is the fact that we have been happily married for that long.

When I say happily married, I truly mean happily married. The kind of happy that makes you grin a goofy grin when you look at your spouse. The kind of happy that has you looking forward to coming home from work to see her. The kind of happy that has you wondering, “How has the time passed so quickly?” instead of, “How in the world did we make it this long?”

How is it that I still look at my lovely bride today with the same love and desire that I had when we first met?

Gratefulness

First, all of my prayers start by thanking God for everything He has done for us and all that He has given us. Through Him, I have eternal life and peace through the forgiveness of sin and resurrection of the spirit that He gave freely to us. My life, my health, my family, my friends, the safe neighborhood we live in, the food we eat, the clothes on our backs…these all flow from His good Grace. This fallen world wants us to focus solely on what we lack, making it too easy to forget all that we already have. We are the richest nation in the world across so many aspects of our lives, yet so many people cry that they are owed more. When you focus on what you already have and how blessed you are to have it, it’s much easier to see what a blessing your spouse is.

Second, I try to use these few phrases often. They’re not magic incantations; women are phenomenal BS detectors and will know if you’re just saying the words to make the noises. But saying them, and meaning them, can do so much to create a meaningful bond and a relationship you look forward to getting more of.

• “I love you.” – This is the obvious one, but it’s amazing to me how many couples will go an entire day without saying these words to each other. Most days it probably blends into the background noise of all the other words and conversations going on, but it is most notable when it’s missing. Don’t let a day go by without saying these words at least once to each other. It reminds you, the speaker, that you still love your spouse, and it reminds your spouse that she is still loved.
• “I like you.” – This one sounds like it’s a weaker version of the phrase above, but it’s actually not. Many of us have loved family members without actually liking them very much. But to tell your spouse you like her (especially when you follow it up with something specific you like about her), reminds her that your love for her is more than just mandatory because you are stuck together. It reminds her that she is likeable and has likeable qualities. It also reminds you of all the reasons you wanted to spend time with her in the first place.
• “I’m grateful for you.” – This is probably not something that most couples want to think about often, but your spouse doesn’t have to stay with you. We live in a society where no-fault divorce is the standard and “irreconcilable differences” is a perfectly valid reason. That your spouse looks at you and decides every day to stay is something that you should be grateful for, because, let’s face it, she’s seen you at your less-than-best more often than at your best. And your less-than-best probably isn’t great, or even very good. She also likely contributes far more to your family and your household than you are aware of.
• “Thank you for __________.” – You should thank your spouse for just about everything she does for you. As I said above, she doesn’t have to stay with you. That also means that she doesn’t have to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, take care of children, balance the checkbook, go grocery shopping, or any of the other sundry tasks required for modern family life. This isn’t to say that everything she does is a gift that you should be bowing at her feet over; it’s that acknowledging even the small things can go a long way to showing your spouse that you love and appreciate her. Being specific helps here, as in, “Thank you for cooking dinner tonight.”
• “(silence)” – I put this one here because one of the most common breakdowns in love, respect, and caring in relationships (others and my own previous marriages) is the sniping comment. The “I told you so” and “I was right” comments simply take a situation where your spouse already feels bad about something and makes her feel 10 times worse. Not only that, but now she’s mad at you because instead of being a trusted partner whom she could seek comfort in, you’ve betrayed her trust and become a reminder of her faults. I’m not perfect; my engineer brain seems to be constantly analyzing for faults that need to be corrected. But I really try to offer comfort and support when my wife makes a mistake rather than rubbing her face in it.

I am the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my life. I believe it’s because I have recognized that, no matter what the world tells me I might be lacking, I know that I truly have everything I could want or need. God has seen fit to put Melissa into my life, and for that I am forever grateful. I love you, sweetie!