I used to dislike Christianity. I was strongly against it, in fact. Almost everything I had seen or heard from Christians in my youth was a turn-off.

When I attended church with friends as a child, I immediately noticed my questions were not welcome. I was supposed to just sing songs and clap my hands and be a good little girl. I was terrible at every aspect of this — especially the singing! No, just kidding — especially the part where I shouldn’t be asking challenging questions.

I also had a few experiences of seeing Christians being very hateful. One old woman who didn’t like my family even started screaming and waving her Bible at me in a very threatening manner as I backed slowly down the hallway at a friend’s house. I was somewhere between 7 and 10 years old at the time and truly had no concept of what her problem was. Other Christians I interacted with hated in more subtle ways, like discouraging gay people from attending their church and associating with their family. While I can grasp the rationale better for this, I still think the logic is seriously warped.

But I had a problem. I knew deep down that there was more to this life than just what the world showed me. I kept seeking whatever that deeper meaning, that better way, might be. I tried everything the world offered and found it all empty, empty, empty. It didn’t take that long to reach the end of whatever was offered. The best results I had were with Taoism, a philosophy that helped me accept and appreciate life as it really was, the good and bad, the yin and yang. I still respect this philosophy, but it definitely wasn’t enough. Nothing I found was enough. There had to be more to this human experience.

So I continued seeking. Eventually, I found that the answer is the first one I had rejected, Christianity. But not the kind of Christianity I had experienced, not what I find in church after church, not the kind that demands acceptance without thought, not the kind that muddies the Old and New Covenants.

What I found and eventually accepted was the true message of God’s grace.

So what is the true message of God’s grace? Very simply put, the Old Covenant is over. The “Law” the Old Covenant spells out is dead. Living in the New Covenant is living entirely in dependence on Grace and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The ONLY thing you have to do is accept Christ as your savior in your heart. He knew we could never live up to any expectations of true holiness (and those who try usually fall right into the sin of pride), so He did away with it. He took it all on himself and all He wants is for us to accept Him and let Him lead us.

And this actually works! It works far better than trying to live under the Law. Grace allows us to have a real relationship with the living God and changes our hearts. It’s the only way we can truly approach God — not on the basis of our behavior (which, if we could only admit it, is wrong nearly every second of our existences), but on the basis of his Mercy and Grace.

This might sound a little selfish, but for me, one of the best aspects of living in God’s Grace is how He fills up my neediness. I am a damaged person, thanks mostly to sexual abuse I experienced as a child, and I have spent most of my life in a perpetual cycle of trying to have those needs met in the world and never feeling completely whole. Those old patterns are hard to break, and some days I’ll still behave in the old ways, but now I have another option, which is to remind myself of His complete acceptance and love. The truth is that now I have no need for acceptance from the world — I have the acceptance of my God, no strings attached. On the days that I do rest in His Love and acceptance (and those days seem to be increasing in number), I can actually give to the world instead of taking. I have His Grace, so I can show grace to others. I have His acceptance, so I can accept others. Yes, I always strove to be a “good” person before, but I didn’t have the tools I needed.

The close relationship I have with my God now is what I was always seeking. The Holy Spirit is with me at all times, has changed my heart in ways I could NEVER have anticipated, and continues to guide me and deepen my understanding all the time. If you’re seeking deeper meaning in your life, you can’t go wrong with this kind of intimate relationship with God. I know I will never find emptiness at the end of it. There is no bottom to this ocean.

To learn more about God’s grace, I encourage you to listen to the online recordings of Aaron Budjen from Living God Ministries. If you’re a logical, analytical person who likes to tackle challenging questions, I doubly encourage you to check them out! I recommend starting with “What is the Gospel” since that recording gives a good foundation for understanding the rest.