Dictionary.com defines bromance as “a relationship or friendship between two men that is extremely close but does not involve sex.” In this very definition arises complications that require there to be a defense of the bromance.
Notice that the author of this definition (and others here, here, and here) feels compelled to add that it is a nonsexual relationship, as if we the readers would naturally assume that an extremely close relationship between two unrelated men MUST involve sex unless you explicitly tell us otherwise. Indeed, gender-swap one of the participants and we subconsciously still require the qualifier that they are not engaged in sexual acts, because how could a man be in an extremely close relationship with anyone unrelated to him and NOT be having sex with that person? This is one of many pervasive toxic masculinity ideas that I will not address here, but you can read more about here or here.
Instead, I wish to focus on the bromance itself, and why it is a necessary part of a man’s life. I use the term somewhat tongue-in-cheek here, knowing full well what connotations may be attached to it by some of my audience. But, in keeping with my commentary above, I encourage you to focus on the first part of the definition of bromance, the extremely close relationship part.
As men in American society, we are taught from an early age that emotions dealing with vulnerability are weakness. Feelings of sadness, grief, shame, fear… These can only serve to let others dominate over you in your pitiful state. Better to channel these inferior emotions into something superior, something powerful, like anger. Little boys learn early on that expressing the “softer” emotions leads to teasing, name calling, and more importantly, distancing from the pack.
But as human creatures, we long for closeness. We seek groups, not just for physical protection, but for emotional comfort as well. And because, though nature may have made us more or less binary in our reproductive sexes, we are far more complicated than that emotionally and psychologically. We seek closeness not just from family and mates, but from others as well. And it is into this space that the bromance fits perfectly.
I have a few men in my life that I would call bromances. These are men that I feel thoroughly safe and comfortable with. I know that I can express feelings of anxiety, fear, or loneliness around them without worrying that I will discomfit them. Sure, we engage in the typical banter found in all male bonds, but we know that the primary link between us is one of acceptance, not one of competition for status in the pack. We bolster each other up and make each other stronger rather than tear each other down.
We as men NEED this. It is too much to ask of our parents, siblings, or spouse to fill the role of close friend, confidant, buddy, or pal. Yes, they can fill aspects of this, but they have their own roles to fill in our lives. What we need, in addition to family to care for us, a spouse to raise children and grow old with us, is a bro to love us.
Knowing that there’s another guy like you who cries like you, who worries like you, who hurts like you…there’s power in that. There’s a strength that you both gain from your shared griefs, which makes your shared joys all the more poignant.
Men, don’t listen to society when it tells you that you are an island and that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Don’t let other men poison the special relationships that we can have with other men with their homophobia (“no homo,” anyone?). Don’t cringe from a closeness that promises to satisfy a need you’ve felt since you were a boy. A bromance is a powerful thing.