A Model of Relationships

A popular image among Christians shows a series of umbrellas, one on top of the other. The biggest umbrella is depicted as either God or Jesus — they are one and the same, so the naming doesn’t matter. The next biggest umbrella is the husband, and the next is the wife. I haven’t found any great versions of this online, but a standard one is below.

I’m not sure why umbrellas were used to illustrate this. Personally, I think it’s better to think of something being built up, with God as the foundation. Also it doesn’t show the whole family. So here’s my own take on the model (the number of kids & pets don’t matter – they were chosen for aesthetic purposes only).

Regardless of which version you prefer, first is God, then the husband, then the wife, then the kids, and then the pets. This is biggest to smallest in terms of size, of course, but also in terms of leadership and responsibility.

The Flawed (Legalistic) Version

Sadly, usually this model is presented legalistically, from a “Thou shalt” perspective, particularly targeting women. Thou shalt obey thy husband, and if you don’t, you’re letting Satan in the door, etc. This kind of thing seriously irritates me. First, as Christians, we are dead to the Law. When we try to live by the Law, we’re living according to the flesh. Whether you’re indulging your flesh or trying mightily to restrain it, your focus is still on the flesh. We are called instead to walk in the Spirit. Second, the Law stirs up sin. It causes us to want to rebel. Try to tell me what I “should” do, and I immediately and strongly want to do the exact opposite. People using this model to try to control women are likely to see results exactly opposite of what they’d like (in time).

So let’s just agree that this isn’t something we “should” do — but I will argue that it’s something we really want to do. It’s actually a beautiful model that benefits everyone when it’s approached in freedom and love.

Without the Model

I’ve seen both sides of this equation. I’ve had to be the “big umbrella” in my own life. I’ve always been the “warrior” type, and I was everything feminism told me I should be. I was fierce, tough, independent, beholden to no one, and definitely in charge.

And let me tell you… it sucked.

The thing about being the big umbrella is that EVERYTHING falls on you. Everyone relies on you. Everyone is quite happy to put you out front so they can hang back in safety. People are happy for you to be the grown-up… so they can act like children.

I was in a relationship during this time, and that relationship became a marriage. But I was still the bigger umbrella. I can point to situation after situation where I should have been able to look to my partner for protection, or at least support, and he either figuratively or literally ran away. When I would confront him about those things, he told me he knew I could take care of myself. Instead of two adults, we had a parent/child relationship. Instead of a partnership, we had control issues, passive-aggressiveness, and manipulation.

Because here’s what happens to a man when a woman has to be the bigger umbrella in a relationship: emasculation and disrespect.

Men crave and need respect. But how can a woman respect a man who runs away and leaves her to face danger alone? How can a woman respect a man who won’t take on the role of a man? When we as women have to lead in a marriage, the man ends up in the role of a child instead of a man.

Contempt grows where love should. He knows it and resents it. But it can’t be different for as long as she has to be the bigger umbrella.

And what happens to a woman when she has to be the bigger umbrella? She gives and gives as best she knows how until she has nothing left of herself except bitterness.

A Model that Works

I think this model is ideal when everything is in place for it to work well:

First, of course, is God. We must have the Holy Spirit to guide us successfully in a marriage.

Second is the husband. God designed men to be strong. He made them to receive from Him first, and then to give to his family. He made them to be servant leaders, just as Christ is the servant leader over them.

A man has to be willing to step into his God-given role and be a man. He has to give up childish things. He has to embrace what it means to be a servant leader. He has to be worthy of the leadership role, as with any leadership role in life.

Wait, wait, wait, you might say. If it sucks to be the bigger umbrella, that model isn’t very fair to the man. Ah, but it is. In fact, it’s ideal for him. Men crave this role. They want and need to be the leader of their family, and it provides them with a profound level of fulfillment. In fact, as our society has moved away from this model, you can see how lost young men are. They don’t know where they fit. They’re aimless. When they’re in relationships, they’re “henpecked” and miserable.

How can a man succeed at being a “good king,” if you will; how can he be the kind of man who can give first and receive second in his marriage? He can when he receives first from God. If he can accept receive from God his perfect love, acceptance, meaning, and purpose — if he can understand and embrace grace in his heart — then he can. That man has the Holy Spirit to guide him and an abundance to pour out on his family.

Third is the wife. If a woman can receive from God and from her husband, she will also have an abundance to pour out. Women are wired as givers and reflectors. What she receives from her husband will strongly influence what she can give and reflect back to him and down to children. Actually, women are magnifiers – what she receives from her husband will come back to him even more strongly. Because of this, if a man is a servant leader, a good king, protecting and caring for his family, his wife will be able to reflect and magnify back the love and support she’s receiving. She will find great fulfillment as the queen beside him. The two will almost find themselves competing to out-do one another in the care they show each other.

Note that being the smaller umbrella doesn’t mean shrinking yourself in any way. A man willing to be who God made him to be is able to lead without trying to make others smaller. (And it is so much easier to respect a man like this.) Also, it has nothing to do with fulfilling traditional roles — I think a man can be a stay-at-home dad and the mom work full time, and have this model still work.

I also recognize that, as women, sometimes we have to be the bigger umbrella because no one else is going to step into that role. (Single mothers, looking at you!) It’s ideal to have a husband and wife who both embrace grace, but if one is absent, God’s model works even with the missing pieces. If my husband weren’t around, it would be up to me to fight all the battles, and I would do it, relying only on God instead of God and my husband. I always have God now as the biggest umbrella, and with that, I’m safe and sheltered. (Sure, plenty of things can happen to me in this life, but my soul is ultimately safe.) I always feel God supporting me.

Will this work for everyone? Truly, I think it will. Some people may not want this type of relationship, but since everyone benefits so beautifully, I can’t understand their reasons.

The model works, and it works beautifully. I know because now I get to live within this working model. I can be a better wife and mother because I’m freed from having every burden fall squarely on me and me alone. It’s a privilege and a blessing to be under the protective umbrellas of both God and my husband. It’s a joy to have a relationship like this, based on freedom and grace.